There is such a thing as sitting on the fence too long
If you wait too long to make a choice to go to one side or the other
You might lose the impetus to move altogether
The impulse that got you up on the fence in the first place
Might die a quiet but painful little death
At the very least
You risk getting splinters in your bottom
Every time I start a new project, I am terrified I will not be able to do it.
Every. Single. Time.
This terror is not my initial response. My first response is elation. Excitement. Passion. Thrill.
This is a delightful and short-lived phase of my process. Much sooner than I would like, the excitement and celebration morphs into abject doubt and fear.
Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by the work ahead of me. My mind makes it all seem like an enormous mountain that I am at the base of, seemingly without any equipment or wherewithal of how to surmount it. It is like some weird fog of “forgetting” comes over me and seduces me into believing that:
I am grateful to have a partner in life, my husband, who very fortunately has borne witness to my process over and over again. (He was actually the first person to point it out to me.)
While his reminder to me that this is “just a part of my process” does not in any way change my process, it does allow me to find somewhere within the knowing that “this too shall pass.” The knowing that this is not the end of my process. That this is actually letting me know, in a way, that I am on my way. As in, the fear and doubt kick in because I am entering into my creative process. It is a sign I am doing what I love.
That knowing makes moving through that phase a bit easier. Then I can recall, if need be, that I have felt this doubt and fear every time in the past. I can reference back and remember that every time in the past, I not only survived, but that I even succeeded in accomplishing what I took on in the end.
Awareness is everything, they say. That I have found to be true. If only awareness erased the anxiety! But I have found that only action alleviates the anxiety (to some degree.) I am lucky to have learned that as well.
My antidote to the fear and doubt is this: when it sets in, as it always will, I make sure to start the work right away. I begin the work NO MATTER WHAT, and as soon as possible, and I continue to work at it daily. I do it in chunks, and in this way, I navigate the treacherous waters of the part of me that wants to interfere with my creative endeavors.
The part of me that Steven Pressfield writes about valiantly fighting. If you are not familiar with his work, do yourself a favor and check him out. His books have been invaluable to me in my learning how to work with myself and my resistance.
And so I prevail. Not in spite of the resistance, but alongside it, through it, with it.
I am writing this as a reminder to myself as I have just begun a new project and after being very excited about it for a day or two, just about an hour ago, I got really scared and filled with doubt.
What the hell was I thinking? I cannot do THAT! I am not equipped. I cannot handle it. Reasons flood my mind as to why it was a bad idea. Dread filled my gut.
So what did I do? I took two actions in support of the project before I could fall into paralysis or start dreaming up ways to get myself out of the commitment. And I am writing this. And I am feeling somewhat better.
The jitters and the fear are still there, just waiting to take over. But for today, I have held them at bay and given more attention to my work. And somewhere in the mix I feel inside, there is a knowing.
After all, this is all just a part of my process. I am right where I supposed be.
The man who moved a mountain was the one who began carrying away small stones.
Ancient Chinese Proverb
Inspired by The Daily Post Word Prompt June 10, 2016: mountain
There comes a time
When one has to become
One’s own mentor
When the voice you seek
In the sea of voices
Is your very own
And that time, I think,
Is the time you grow up
And that time, I know,
Is the time you become
Who you really are
That’s perfectly fine.
I’m in no rush.
Go ahead and finish your conversation.
I mean, I’m just a customer in need of service.
There’s four of you behind that counter.
None of you are doing anything job-related.
Does Starbucks employ managers?
I think not.
Unless one of you is one of them.
Wow.
That’s a depressing thought.
I’ll just wait.
Send that Snapchat.
Read that text.
No need to bother yourself.
No need at all.
I’ll just work myself up into a lather,
And when you finally come over to me
And I let all hell loose on you,
You will treat me like I am the problem.
Maybe you’ll even report me to the manager-if-they-do-exist-at-all.
Not worth it.
I’m leaving and I won’t be back.
(Until next time.)
I am often torn.
Making decisions is usually difficult for me. (See Cutting the Cord.)
I don’t know if it is because I am a Libra or what, but I can always see the benefits of all sides to a decision, and it makes it very hard to choose.
I do not particularly enjoy this part of my personality, though I do appreciate my ability to see more than just one side.
I also think a large contributing factor is my fear of making a mistake. What if I screw up my whole life because I choose wrong?
Yikes. Pressure much?
The past few years, I have been realizing that even in the past when I have made decisions that I felt were “wrong,” later on, they turned out to be “right” in some way. Even through what seemed like a real mistake, something necessary came from the experience.
The black and white thinking that a choice could have that much power over my existence…not sure where that comes from. But I know that I cannot – no, I will not – live like that anymore.
In the last year, I have made it a goal to stress less around decision-making. To just make the best decision I can with the info I have at the time that I am making it and to then “let the chips fall where they may.”
Easier said than done, but I have made some headway.
When I find myself feeling “torn” over the different options I am deciding between, I just stop myself and gently but firmly make myself take the leap in one direction.
Sometimes it has been anxiety-producing. And sometimes, very liberating.
It is always better than staying stuck (and torn) between options.
What are some ways that you make decisions that you feel work well?
“I’m glad I am particular,” she said to no one in particular, giving herself one final look over in the mirror before going downstairs to join the others.
With a firm nod of approval at her reflection, she reached for her gloves, congratulating herself for having decided against wearing the new emerald green peacock and lace evening gown.
With a self-satisfied smile just barely gracing her lips, she set her face into its most attractive arrangement and started for the door and another successful evening.
She can’t decide
She can’t hear
There’s a cacophony
In her inner ear
What to think
What to do
Which way to be
Which her, or who?
Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Post: cacophony (and Dr. Seuss)
She was always fashionably late, and was certainly not going to change stripes this late in the game.
They could all just await her presence. After all, wasn’t this supposed to be her big day?
She poured another sherry, and returned to the debate of veil or no veil. It felt as if her entire future happiness was dependent on this decision.
Her mother felt the veil was gaudy. The seamstress who had created it was understandably biased in its favor.The dresser had an opinion but no one asked it of her.
She gazed at her reflection, and contemplated herself from her own superior taste. The veil felt right, but some adjustment to the angle was needed.
She set her face back into its public expression and unlocked the boudoir door, ready at last to enter into her future.
“Allow me to recreate myself,” she said to no one in particular.
Then she realized that as she had never really let anyone get to know the real her, how’d they even be able to tell the difference?
Somehow, this realization took most of the excitement out of the whole idea.
In the end, she decided she might as well stay herself.
There is a life force within
It has seen me through
Black-pitched soul’s dark nights
Days so thick with despair
I could barely breathe or move
Sometimes it was so very close
If not for that push inside
To continue on this journey
The pull to end it could have won
But something in me wants to live
Beyond the Skinny Branches 