living life out loud

Tradition

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 7 Comments

I am on an adventure with my nephew.

When I graduated from high school, my Granma took me on a trip to England, Wales and Ireland. It was a generous gift.

She’d traveled extensively in her life, as had her mother, my Great-Grandmother Burns. They’d both lost their husbands early and ended up living quite rich and adventurous lives as widows.

My Gran had taken my two brothers before me as they each graduated. It was a tradition.

So when my brother’s first born graduated from high school, I had the impulse to carry on the tradition.

My Gran was long-since dead, and my Mom – her daughter – had died a few years’ past.

So I decided to do what I knew they’d have loved to do.

I took my niece on a trip to London and Paris in 2016. My sister-in-law came too, which was almost as good as my Mom being there. She is warm and loving, just like my Mom.

It was a wonderful trip. I cherished our time together and felt my parents’ presence (my father and other brother had recently died as well) with us.

And now here I am, my nephew and I on an adventure. And this time, we are all here together: my husband, my nephew, my brother, my sister-in-law and my niece.

My nephew chose Norway and Sweden to explore. None of us had ever thought of visiting either, but of course we were all game!

So here we all are, in Norway.

And it is heavenly.

The beauty of this country is just magnificent.

But of course, it is all really about being together. We feast our eyes on the landscapes. We laugh and laugh. We eat delicious food.

Once again, I sense my parents, and my brother somehow here, happy for us.

Maybe my niece and nephew will someday carry on the tradition and feel my presence there, too.

The Clearing

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 2 Comments

I feel the sunlight through my closed eyelids

Warm, solid, like a nudge from the sun

“Go on, girl,” she says

“Don’t look back anymore”

And I know she’s right

The time has come to truly begin this journey

I’m finally out of the dense woods that’ve been my home for so long

I made a beautiful space for myself there

But it was never meant to be my permanent home

And so I open my eyes

Look around at the roads that lay ahead

That lead from this clearing I now find myself standing in

I take a deep breath, and I take my first step

Into my life

Inspired by The Daily Post Word Prompt: journey

Friendly Fire

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 2 Comments

Is it a lack of courage

Or a refusal to use it

That defines cowardice

I can feel possibilities

Yet let them slip away

As I stay with my Fear

Arms locked like cousins

Does that make me a coward

Or am I just aligned with the wrong side

Is it possible to lack courage

Or do we pick a team and then deny having picked

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: cowardice

Burn This

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 1 Comment

I set my heart on fire

I burned it to the ground

To purify what once had been

To clear away the dark that bound

From the ashes I salvaged what of me remained

Underneath the soot and embers

I bathed her in a warm milk bath

Sang a song only my heart remembers

Inspired by The Daily Post Word Prompt: burn

Inside-Out

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 6 Comments

It is easy to live life unconsciously hurting yourself in ways that seem subtle, but add up.

These are the small and large ways I deprive myself daily:

I do not drink enough water

I wait until my towels and sheets are seriously past their prime before getting new ones

I hurl myself through experiences sometimes with little attention to the scared parts of me that are there being hurled too

I push myself to seem happier than I feel so as not to bum others out

I push away my anger, hearing my father’s voice: “No one loves an angry girl.”

I skip over little hurts (but they still hurt,) sending the message that they don’t count (but they do)

I don’t take the time to cheer myself for all that I am doing right

I hold off going to pee until it is the last minute

How are you depriving yourself in little and large ways?

Acknowledge that, turn each thing around on itself by identifying the opposite action, and voila! You have a beautiful self-care list!

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Prompt: deprive

Stalled

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 1 Comment

There is such a thing as sitting on the fence too long

If you wait too long to make a choice to go to one side or the other

You might lose the impetus to move altogether

The impulse that got you up on the fence in the first place

Might die a quiet but painful little death

At the very least

You risk getting splinters in your bottom

Inspired by The Daily Post Word Prompt: fence

Note to Self

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 5 Comments

I’m in awe of you

Of your courage

The capacity of your heart to forgive

Your continual willingness to try no matter what

Your full-hearted commitment to living your truth

Your love of life that always manages to overcome your darkness

Your never- ending spirit in the face of despair

I am in awe of you

You are my hero

Inspired by The Daily Post Word Prompt: awe

How to Move a Mountain

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 15 Comments

Every time I start a new project, I am terrified I will not be able to do it.

Every. Single. Time.

This terror is not my initial response. My first response is elation. Excitement. Passion. Thrill.

This is a delightful and short-lived phase of my process. Much sooner than I would like, the excitement and celebration morphs into abject doubt and fear.

Suddenly, I am overwhelmed by the work ahead of me. My mind makes it all seem like an enormous mountain that I am at the base of, seemingly without any equipment or wherewithal of how to surmount it. It is like some weird fog of “forgetting” comes over me and seduces me into believing that:

  1. I do not have any business embarking on this endeavor, and
  2. I do not have a clue as to how to do anything.

I am grateful to have a partner in life, my husband, who very fortunately has borne witness to my process over and over again. (He was actually the first person to point it out to me.)

While his reminder to me that this is “just a part of my process” does not in any way change my process, it does allow me to find somewhere within the knowing that “this too shall pass.” The knowing that this is not the end of my process. That this is actually letting me know, in a way, that I am on my way. As in, the fear and doubt kick in because I am entering into my creative process. It is a sign I am doing what I love.

That knowing makes moving through that phase a bit easier. Then I can recall, if need be, that I have felt this doubt and fear every time in the past. I can reference back and remember that every time in the past, I not only survived, but that I even succeeded in accomplishing what I took on in the end.

Awareness is everything, they say. That I have found to be true. If only awareness erased the anxiety! But I have found that only action alleviates the anxiety (to some degree.) I am lucky to have learned that as well.

My antidote to the fear and doubt is this: when it sets in, as it always will, I make sure to start the work right away. I begin the work NO MATTER WHAT, and as soon as possible, and I continue to work at it daily. I do it in chunks, and in this way, I navigate the treacherous waters of the part of me that wants to interfere with my creative endeavors.

The part of me that Steven Pressfield writes about valiantly fighting. If you are not familiar with his work, do yourself a favor and check him out. His books have been invaluable to me in my learning how to work with myself and my resistance.

And so I prevail. Not in spite of the resistance, but alongside it, through it, with it.

I am writing this as a reminder to myself as I have just begun a new project and after being very excited about it for a day or two, just about an hour ago, I got really scared and filled with doubt.

What the hell was I thinking? I cannot do THAT! I am not equipped. I cannot handle it. Reasons flood my mind as to why it was a bad idea. Dread filled my gut.

So what did I do? I took two actions in support of the project before I could fall into paralysis or start dreaming up ways to get myself out of the commitment. And I am writing this. And I am feeling somewhat better.

The jitters and the fear are still there, just waiting to take over. But for today, I have held them at bay and given more attention to my work. And somewhere in the mix I feel inside, there is a knowing.

After all, this is all just a part of my process. I am right where I supposed be.

The man who moved a mountain was the one who began carrying away small stones.

Ancient Chinese Proverb

Inspired by The Daily Post Word Prompt June 10, 2016: mountain

On Enthusiasm

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 2 Comments

If you want to break open your heart (and your world) in the best of ways, go to clown school.

I just finished day two of a five week journey into the craft of the comedic world – the world of physical theatre, clown and Commedia del Arte.

I went to clown school once before, in 2014. It changed me and the way I live and act in countless, invaluable ways.

And I have taken a few clown weekend intensives between then and now.

But the thing is, you have to keep using the muscles that clown requires, or they atrophy. The wonderful clown you have freed from inside you descends further and further back into the recesses of your heart. Back into the darkness.

One of those clown muscles is enthusiasm. That excitement and wonder for people and things that give you pleasure, that make you laugh. That thing that males your eyes sparkle and your body happy.

That thing that gets bullied out of you around junior high (maybe earlier these days.)

That thing you learn to flatten to seem cool to the other kids.

The thing you learn not to show to protect yourself from ridicule.

The thing you betray in yourself out of fear of becoming an outcast.

The thing that gets beaten down into adult cynicism and suspicion.

(That thing you forget how to feel after while.)

It is a delicious sensation!

Day two of clown class, and I feel that muscle pinking up again. When enthusiasm is allowed its space to inhabit your body, all kinds of good begin to happen. And fun!

I double-dog dare you to find yours. Shake off the cobwebs and try it on for size. Take it for a walk.

It may feel a bit scary to let it be seen again by others. A part of you may be afraid and want to keep it under wraps.

I say: Go ahead. Be subversive. Be a part of the revolution.

Be enthusiastic!

A New Day

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 3 Comments

Funny how a word comes in to the collective consciousness.

Yesterday, I wrote about the loss of The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt.

I said posting daily taught me that done is better than perfect. That sometimes I will feel “meh” about what I write, and that is ok.

I asked readers for help!

And the wonderful Suzi suggested Cyranny.

And guess what the word prompt for today was? “Meh!”

Which is how I feel about today’s word prompt.

Meh.

And here I am, posting anyway.

Because the power is in the doing of it.

I could judge myself out of ever sharing my voice, my work.

Or I can take the risk. Lay it on the line. No matter what.

So here I am. Day one post-Daily Post.

Feeling meh.

But taking action away.

(Or maybe because of.)

Inspired by Cyranny’s Word Prompt: meh