living life out loud

A Face in the Crowd

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 2 Comments

For as long as I can recall, I moved through the world certain that I was unmemorable.

As in, never believing, upon meeting people, that I was making any kind of impression whatsoever. Never being able to trust that upon meeting them again, they would recognize me.

I developed the habit of saying my name to whomever I was meeting again, a preemptive coping strategy designed to avoid any potential embarrassment or humiliation in not being remembered by the person.

I do not recall how this underlying belief system was created. I do not know its source.

There must have been an instance or two where I felt embarrassed or humiliated in some way in some situation where I assumed that I would be remembered, and I was not.

Or, is it something genetic in the seeds of my personality that made me incapable of recognizing my own recognizability?

To see oneself as faceless, as lacking any qualities that would make another take mental note in any way of your presence…that is pretty intense thing to discover that you are living from.

When I noticed this, I slowly began to experiment around it to see what was going on. It is complex, but suffice it to say that today I look for social cues that let me in on whether or not someone is putting together that they have seen me before, and then and only then do I offer to help them. (No preemptive helping.) I have had to develop tolerance for the discomfort that that sometimes brings.

I have also had to learn how to give myself inner support around other people in the first place. To not need so much from whether or not they felt anything about me – good, bad or seemingly nothing at all – and let my own opinion count the most. To be my own fan.

I think when you grow up a very sensitive child who learned early on to read other people in order to survive you have to learn some different coping skills. You have to learn how to live from the inside out, instead of the outside in.

I have learned how to “be” in my core. Living from my core, others, and what they think or feel, does not hold any power over my survival. I am in charge, and can take full care of myself.

It has been a freeing process. I am much more comfortable around people and enjoy life so much more.

Do I feel all that memorable today? Not really. Maybe on good day for a half hour.

But I do know I am here. I do not feel faceless. And I love who I am. I have lots of people who love me, plenty of people who care about me, many people who want to work with me, and that’s pretty wonderful.

And hey, if someone doesn’t recall having met me, I do not sweat it. I happily re-introduce myself, and I comfort the small part of me that feels a bit hurt in it.

I am always OK as long as I recognize me.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: faceless

Stranger Here Myself

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 2 Comments

That morning

The earth turned on its axis

And just like that

I was living in a foreign land

It resembled the world I knew

But with you no longer in it

It may as well have been

The moon

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: foreign

Buried Child

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I hold you in my heart

My forever-talisman

No one else can see you

But I know you are there

My scarred and broken one

My deepest, darkest night

You will never know despair again

You will never suffer alone

You are what keeps me whole

You are what keeps me sane

Inspired by The Daily Post: talisman

A Sea Change

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ Leave a comment

I write a lot about being a woman and aging.

(See A Table of One’s Own and On Aging.)

I am committed to changing the narrative around middle-aged and older women (and men.)

I want the women (and men) who come after me to have a better path, a more welcoming one, as they move out of “youth” into their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.

I want them to never have to feel “invisible.”

I blame advertising and other forms of media.

We simply stop seeing people on television and film, for the most part, after they turn 45 or so.

Sure, we see a few as needed for the main story. The parent of the lead. The grandparent of the lead’s kids. A judge, a doctor, maybe — although today, for the most part, you see lawyers and doctors on shows and in movies who are in their mid-20’s to mid 30’s.

Oh, sure, there is the occasional uptight matron, or kooky neighbor or unmarried aunt. Or maybe a ball-busting woman playing a politician or high-ranking military officer.

But usually, we stop seeing any stories of people over 45 until they become grumpy old men or grandma’s on rampage.

In advertising, there is a gap between women and men aged 45 until over 65 or so. We see parents until their kids go off to college, and then “bam”! Nothing until it is time for dentures and Depends.

There’s just this big gap. And in that gap would be those of us between the ages of 45 and 65.

So my theory is that because youth grow up literally not seeing people ages 45 to 65 reflected back to them on TV and in magazines and films, they simply do not see us.

We are invisible to them.

I want this to change. I want to be a part of this change.

I am doing what I can by finding people who are brave enough to write stories that contain middle-aged and older people in central roles and stories and doing all I can to get cast in their pieces or support their work however I can by donating or watching or simply giving them a “Way to go!”

And I am writing my own stories that will reflect that population and am working to produce them.

I can go and support films of the people who have already done this. I can watch shows such as “Grace and Frankie” on Netflix who are featuring stories of people in their 70’s to support the efforts being made to get people over 45 into meaningful stories.

I do not yet know how else, but I know that I will be a part of this change.

It will be a sea change, for sure. But a change is a’coming, if I have my way.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: invisible

Twin Heart

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 1 Comment

you’re still here, in my heartbeat

I breathe, and I wonder

is there breath where you are

when I sleep, I look for you

long to look in your eyes

my sister, my selfsame

my identical heart

Inspired by The Daily Post: identical

Culinary Delights

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Your hands

I see them first

Long, tapered fingers

So sure, so sensuous

Your fingers holding the tuna

As you slice through it

My first thoughts

Make me blush

I want to be that food

I want to be touched

The way you touch it

I want you to slice me open

Arrange me

Take me into your mouth

Become one in your body

Inspired by The Daily Post: blush

Eggsistential Musings

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 4 Comments

Does a chick know that they’ve hatched

Or do they still feel like they did when they were in the egg

Just in a different environment?

There’s always this feeling that I am incubating

Still developing, still growing

I wonder if I will ever feel fully hatched

Inspired by the Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: incubate

Stream of Consciousness

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 4 Comments

You provoke

I provoke

Push and pull

Until someone breaks

Who’s at the helm

Who’s fighting whom

Is it your ancestor or mine

Vying for survival

Where does our love go

When our history floods through

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: provoke

Bird of Happiness

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Happiness

Always just beyond my grasp

Until one day

I opened up my hands

And in it flew

Just like that

Inspired by The Daily Post Word Prompt: grasp

The Long and Winding Road

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 7 Comments

I love to meander. Either literally or figuratively. In my mind, telling a story or on my feet, I find it so gratifying.

Not always so for others. My husband can be driven a bit crazy by my sometimes long and winding way of coming to the point of a story, for example.

I get it. I love straight lines too. There a times I get to the point! Indeed!

Give me a route, I love to follow the way.

But to let that all go: plans, destinations, paths, pre-determined places to end up or problems to solve by this deadline or that…

To simply go where the wind blows me. To follow my nose. To follow clues.

To listen to the guide from within as old as the sea urging me this way or that.

This is how I find the best places. This is how I end up living the most “perfect” days. (Rarely the days I painstakingly plan.)

To sit and let my mind go from association to association, knowing that nothing is crucial but it is all valuable and each morsel may lead to something wonderful.

That is where my creativity comes alive, in the seemingly random twists and turns of consciousness as they dip into the collective unconscious.

Yes, I am a fan of meandering. As long as it is not in the Internet. That is the one place I am best served by staying to a clear intention and boundaries. Meandering there, I usually end up with regret and an emotional hangover.

But a day like today, meandering about Cape Cod. Priceless. Nourishing. Awesome.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: meander