I am silk
I am leather, too
Sheer netting
Tough canvas tarp
Sheepskin soft
Sandpaper rough
Embroidered pieces
Trimmed in fringe
Delicate lace
Burlap sack
Thick-fitted felt
Smooth suede
Paper-thin linen
Scratchy wool
And cool satin am I
Messiness has gotten a bad rap.
From childhood on, I was taught to value tidy and clean over cluttered and dirty.
Being seen as a “mess” is something to avoid at all costs today. There is shame in being seen as messy.
Look at any social media feed. Selfie taking has been developed into an art form. There’s been an increase in nose jobs, and the reason for them? It is people wanting to look better for their selfies! No one, for the most part, is proudly posting their mess. Unless it is an apartment reno in process or a confessional “staged mess” to make a humorous point of some kind.
With such socio-cultural pressure, it is no wonder that I learned to strive for perfection in all things, especially the presentation of my self.
I literally dreaded being seen without makeup or with a hair out of place.
And God forbid I was to have a negative emotion! Shove that way down, baby! Slap a grin on it and pose.
Trouble is, the very nature of life is change. And change, my friends, is messy.
Ergo, life is messy.
It has been quite an unraveling, this perfection mechanism. I’ve had to unpack a load to get to my mess.
And once I found my mess, I had to come to love it.
I will be honest. at first, all I wanted to do was get rid of it!
Thankfully, I have some teachers in my life who are artists. Artists know the value of mess. They helped me understand that it is in my mess that my talent lives.
And so began an embracing. Of my mess. Of change. Of life.
It has been challenging at tines, sure. This is not an overnight process.
But boy is it incredible.
My home is neat and tidy. I am an organized woman. I crave order.
But I relish getting messy and allowing myself to be seen in my mess too. And the most fulfilling parts of my creativity are gloriously messy!
Today, I am a love-able mess living a messy, wonderful, creatively fulfilling life. And I say that with pride, not apology.
Messy is as messy does is more than fine for me.
The trestle rumbles from up above
The earth vibrates under our backs
We lay underneath and watch the light
Dance in-between the tracks
We dream of places we’ll one day go
And the people that we’ll become
Our laughter comes easy, I feel so free
From my heart, I begin to hum
The light inside
Early on
I learned to dim
Shining brightly
Was dangerous
All sink, and no swim
I try now to be,
To let, to shine
To radiate freely
All that is mine
I take a deep breath
Connect to all who’ve been before
Feel my mother’s mother’s heartbeat in mine
What I yearn for
I don’t always understand
Whose dreams am I living
Are they of the present or the past
She held her breath and waited
Looking for a permit to be who she really was
For someone to say, OK, now you can be you
It never occurred to her it was her choice
Until it was almost too late
She released her breath and stepped forward
Into the beauty of the unknown
And went to see who she would find inside
“I’ve forgotten how to be in my own body,” she said
“I feel like I have woken up in a foreign land”
I took her by the hand
Led her down the the sea
“Sit down and let the waves remind you,” I said
We lay back, and with closed eyes
Became one with the ocean
The undulation, the caress and push-pull
We let ourselves be swallowed
And we became mermaids again
Bodies arching, diving
Arms moving through the water
Embracing the flow of the tide
She started crying tears of deeply relieved joy
And so then did I, to see her find home again
Our salt tears mixed with the salt of the sea
And when we finally returned to the shore and found our legs again
We took the ocean with us in the sway of our hips
And the pulse of our hearts
Mightn’t I just lay down now
I’m so tired
Passed bone-weary last year
Let me just go to sleep
And never waken
Wish my beloveds a sweet farewell
There’s never been a moment of peace
I think I’ve earned some at this point
Maybe this has all been a random experiment
And my cell, never one that was expected to live
Maybe I beat the odds having come this far anyway
Maybe the Universe will sigh a sigh of relief when I let go
Maybe
I was raised to be mild
All the wild in me tamed
Strong desires in me shamed
Made an adult while still a child
Now at mid-life, the end in sight
I’m awakening my wild
Reviving my inner child
Letting loose my appetite
Oh my love
I yearn for simplicity
Where have our minds taken us
But to places we already know?
For these days that remain
Let’s run barefoot through the grass
Dance naked in the starlight
Create a new language with daisies
Drink in the love of each other’s bodies
While we still have bodies to love through
Let our hearts be our compass
Let mystery be our guide
Beyond the Skinny Branches 