I believe in thwarting the devil
The bits and pieces of dark that drag into my day
I used to battle them mightily
Use force and sheer will to get them out of my way
But now I befriend them, it works so much better
From acceptance, I find I have much more sway
This real sense of
Being deeply inside
My actual life
(Inchoate as it may be)
Astounds and grounds me
I’ve longed for this
For so long
I may as well
Be living in Paradise
It’s a long haul
The distance from
Young adulthood to
Middle age
I’m leaving my baggage on the side of the road
No need to take it any further
Time to lighten my load
Head out again, open and free
No looking back, just good memories to hold
all it took was a second
less than a second, really
a micro-second
a nano-second
and suddenly, the world was
forever
changed
Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: microInspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: micro
Somewhere along the way, I learned to value efficiency over my own sanity.
I mean, I can multi-task something fierce. Today, my day began at 7 AM and had been straight through from meeting to class to rehearsal to workout to an hour and a half with nothing planned.
I had intended to relax and have a shake and chill until I needed to leave for the next thing, a class that would go until 10 PM. But no, I ended up doing other things, and all at once.
I ended up troubleshooting with an Adobe support person while making a shake with my Nutri-Bullet, and helping a friend in need on the phone through a rough time. My hour and a half quickly dissolved into a remaining ten minutes to get out the door and on to the next thing, and I still hadn’t rested or had my shake.
It was crazy! And thank God, the better part of me knew it. I was not with any one of those fully. I at least had the presence of mind to tell my friend that while I was glad she called and that I could absolutely make time for her, that I couldn’t give her my full attention, and I wanted to.
The truth is, I have to make a concerted effort to stop myself during the day to drink water, go to the restroom, take a breath.
It is hard for me to not see “downtime” as inefficient.
When did I begin to de-value just “being”? Why the frenzy to always fill every possible slot of time with actions and tasks?
It doesn’t really matter. I could blame it one the world today. This digital age. That I live in NYC.
All I know is that after several days like that, I will crash. My system will revolt.
I need those pockets of doing nothing. To refill me well. To daydream. To be blank. To breathe.
I practically have to schedule them. They are still not second nature. My second nature is to get into the frenzy.
But, today aside, I am getting better. Awareness is all, right? And action.
Or should I say, inaction!?
How do you get yourself to remember to do nothing?
For as long as I can recall, I moved through the world certain that I was unmemorable.
As in, never believing, upon meeting people, that I was making any kind of impression whatsoever. Never being able to trust that upon meeting them again, they would recognize me.
I developed the habit of saying my name to whomever I was meeting again, a preemptive coping strategy designed to avoid any potential embarrassment or humiliation in not being remembered by the person.
I do not recall how this underlying belief system was created. I do not know its source.
There must have been an instance or two where I felt embarrassed or humiliated in some way in some situation where I assumed that I would be remembered, and I was not.
Or, is it something genetic in the seeds of my personality that made me incapable of recognizing my own recognizability?
To see oneself as faceless, as lacking any qualities that would make another take mental note in any way of your presence…that is pretty intense thing to discover that you are living from.
When I noticed this, I slowly began to experiment around it to see what was going on. It is complex, but suffice it to say that today I look for social cues that let me in on whether or not someone is putting together that they have seen me before, and then and only then do I offer to help them. (No preemptive helping.) I have had to develop tolerance for the discomfort that that sometimes brings.
I have also had to learn how to give myself inner support around other people in the first place. To not need so much from whether or not they felt anything about me – good, bad or seemingly nothing at all – and let my own opinion count the most. To be my own fan.
I think when you grow up a very sensitive child who learned early on to read other people in order to survive you have to learn some different coping skills. You have to learn how to live from the inside out, instead of the outside in.
I have learned how to “be” in my core. Living from my core, others, and what they think or feel, does not hold any power over my survival. I am in charge, and can take full care of myself.
It has been a freeing process. I am much more comfortable around people and enjoy life so much more.
Do I feel all that memorable today? Not really. Maybe on good day for a half hour.
But I do know I am here. I do not feel faceless. And I love who I am. I have lots of people who love me, plenty of people who care about me, many people who want to work with me, and that’s pretty wonderful.
And hey, if someone doesn’t recall having met me, I do not sweat it. I happily re-introduce myself, and I comfort the small part of me that feels a bit hurt in it.
I am always OK as long as I recognize me.
That morning
The earth turned on its axis
And just like that
I was living in a foreign land
It resembled the world I knew
But with you no longer in it
It may as well have been
The moon
Does a chick know that they’ve hatched
Or do they still feel like they did when they were in the egg
Just in a different environment?
There’s always this feeling that I am incubating
Still developing, still growing
I wonder if I will ever feel fully hatched
Happiness
Always just beyond my grasp
Until one day
I opened up my hands
And in it flew
Just like that
I love to meander. Either literally or figuratively. In my mind, telling a story or on my feet, I find it so gratifying.
Not always so for others. My husband can be driven a bit crazy by my sometimes long and winding way of coming to the point of a story, for example.
I get it. I love straight lines too. There a times I get to the point! Indeed!
Give me a route, I love to follow the way.
But to let that all go: plans, destinations, paths, pre-determined places to end up or problems to solve by this deadline or that…
To simply go where the wind blows me. To follow my nose. To follow clues.
To listen to the guide from within as old as the sea urging me this way or that.
This is how I find the best places. This is how I end up living the most “perfect” days. (Rarely the days I painstakingly plan.)
To sit and let my mind go from association to association, knowing that nothing is crucial but it is all valuable and each morsel may lead to something wonderful.
That is where my creativity comes alive, in the seemingly random twists and turns of consciousness as they dip into the collective unconscious.
Yes, I am a fan of meandering. As long as it is not in the Internet. That is the one place I am best served by staying to a clear intention and boundaries. Meandering there, I usually end up with regret and an emotional hangover.
But a day like today, meandering about Cape Cod. Priceless. Nourishing. Awesome.
Beyond the Skinny Branches 