This real sense of
Being deeply inside
My actual life
(Inchoate as it may be)
Astounds and grounds me
I’ve longed for this
For so long
I may as well
Be living in Paradise
Home
living life out loud
Rest Area
It’s a long haul
The distance from
Young adulthood to
Middle age
I’m leaving my baggage on the side of the road
No need to take it any further
Time to lighten my load
Head out again, open and free
No looking back, just good memories to hold
Will
“I can do that,” she thought.
And as other thoughts began to churn in her mind – self-recriminations, doubts, fears – she made the decision then and there to follow only the quietest of them all.
And just like that, she was off on a new life-road from which she would never look back.
The Collective
There is a world within
Where past and future meet
I go there to explore
Hear history in my heartbeat
Everyone that ever was
I am connected to through breath
In future others’ I’ll live on
Long after my body’s death
Easy Definitions
Black Box
Warning: This woman no longer accepts less than she deserves. At times, may erupt into genuine, whole-body laughter. Has been known to cry when she is so moved, and could care less about what other people think of her. Determined to use her voice and talents until her last dying breath. Interact with her at your own risk. Could cause deep joy and love when taken with respect.
Mental Quartet
They play exquisite pieces
The four musicians in my mind
Used to fight them, used to hate them
Now I remember to be kind
Perfectionista, Cautionella
The Judge, The Belligerent One
Each designed and crafted by me
They’ve served a purpose, have expertise
I appreciate their music and let them go
“I hear you, thank you, you may stop now, please.”
Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: quartet
Places!
she stands still
listening to the audience
beyond the curtain
seated out past the stage
there’s a drone, a buzz
there’s a fish swimming in her belly
heart pounding
blood feeling electric in her veins
the adrenaline rush of excitement
that familiar moment of panic
will the words be there
will her body remember the moves
then comes the moment of hush
as the lights dim to black
the exquisite agony of the few seconds before
the curtain rises
then she glides out
enters into the sacred
and the ride begins
A Face in the Crowd
For as long as I can recall, I moved through the world certain that I was unmemorable.
As in, never believing, upon meeting people, that I was making any kind of impression whatsoever. Never being able to trust that upon meeting them again, they would recognize me.
I developed the habit of saying my name to whomever I was meeting again, a preemptive coping strategy designed to avoid any potential embarrassment or humiliation in not being remembered by the person.
I do not recall how this underlying belief system was created. I do not know its source.
There must have been an instance or two where I felt embarrassed or humiliated in some way in some situation where I assumed that I would be remembered, and I was not.
Or, is it something genetic in the seeds of my personality that made me incapable of recognizing my own recognizability?
To see oneself as faceless, as lacking any qualities that would make another take mental note in any way of your presence…that is pretty intense thing to discover that you are living from.
When I noticed this, I slowly began to experiment around it to see what was going on. It is complex, but suffice it to say that today I look for social cues that let me in on whether or not someone is putting together that they have seen me before, and then and only then do I offer to help them. (No preemptive helping.) I have had to develop tolerance for the discomfort that that sometimes brings.
I have also had to learn how to give myself inner support around other people in the first place. To not need so much from whether or not they felt anything about me – good, bad or seemingly nothing at all – and let my own opinion count the most. To be my own fan.
I think when you grow up a very sensitive child who learned early on to read other people in order to survive you have to learn some different coping skills. You have to learn how to live from the inside out, instead of the outside in.
I have learned how to “be” in my core. Living from my core, others, and what they think or feel, does not hold any power over my survival. I am in charge, and can take full care of myself.
It has been a freeing process. I am much more comfortable around people and enjoy life so much more.
Do I feel all that memorable today? Not really. Maybe on good day for a half hour.
But I do know I am here. I do not feel faceless. And I love who I am. I have lots of people who love me, plenty of people who care about me, many people who want to work with me, and that’s pretty wonderful.
And hey, if someone doesn’t recall having met me, I do not sweat it. I happily re-introduce myself, and I comfort the small part of me that feels a bit hurt in it.
I am always OK as long as I recognize me.
Stranger Here Myself
That morning
The earth turned on its axis
And just like that
I was living in a foreign land
It resembled the world I knew
But with you no longer in it
It may as well have been
The moon
Beyond the Skinny Branches 