Asides

A Face in the Crowd

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 2 Comments

For as long as I can recall, I moved through the world certain that I was unmemorable.

As in, never believing, upon meeting people, that I was making any kind of impression whatsoever. Never being able to trust that upon meeting them again, they would recognize me.

I developed the habit of saying my name to whomever I was meeting again, a preemptive coping strategy designed to avoid any potential embarrassment or humiliation in not being remembered by the person.

I do not recall how this underlying belief system was created. I do not know its source.

There must have been an instance or two where I felt embarrassed or humiliated in some way in some situation where I assumed that I would be remembered, and I was not.

Or, is it something genetic in the seeds of my personality that made me incapable of recognizing my own recognizability?

To see oneself as faceless, as lacking any qualities that would make another take mental note in any way of your presence…that is pretty intense thing to discover that you are living from.

When I noticed this, I slowly began to experiment around it to see what was going on. It is complex, but suffice it to say that today I look for social cues that let me in on whether or not someone is putting together that they have seen me before, and then and only then do I offer to help them. (No preemptive helping.) I have had to develop tolerance for the discomfort that that sometimes brings.

I have also had to learn how to give myself inner support around other people in the first place. To not need so much from whether or not they felt anything about me – good, bad or seemingly nothing at all – and let my own opinion count the most. To be my own fan.

I think when you grow up a very sensitive child who learned early on to read other people in order to survive you have to learn some different coping skills. You have to learn how to live from the inside out, instead of the outside in.

I have learned how to “be” in my core. Living from my core, others, and what they think or feel, does not hold any power over my survival. I am in charge, and can take full care of myself.

It has been a freeing process. I am much more comfortable around people and enjoy life so much more.

Do I feel all that memorable today? Not really. Maybe on good day for a half hour.

But I do know I am here. I do not feel faceless. And I love who I am. I have lots of people who love me, plenty of people who care about me, many people who want to work with me, and that’s pretty wonderful.

And hey, if someone doesn’t recall having met me, I do not sweat it. I happily re-introduce myself, and I comfort the small part of me that feels a bit hurt in it.

I am always OK as long as I recognize me.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: faceless

Stranger Here Myself

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 2 Comments

That morning

The earth turned on its axis

And just like that

I was living in a foreign land

It resembled the world I knew

But with you no longer in it

It may as well have been

The moon

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: foreign

Buried Child

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ Leave a comment

I hold you in my heart

My forever-talisman

No one else can see you

But I know you are there

My scarred and broken one

My deepest, darkest night

You will never know despair again

You will never suffer alone

You are what keeps me whole

You are what keeps me sane

Inspired by The Daily Post: talisman

A Sea Change

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ Leave a comment

I write a lot about being a woman and aging.

(See A Table of One’s Own and On Aging.)

I am committed to changing the narrative around middle-aged and older women (and men.)

I want the women (and men) who come after me to have a better path, a more welcoming one, as they move out of “youth” into their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.

I want them to never have to feel “invisible.”

I blame advertising and other forms of media.

We simply stop seeing people on television and film, for the most part, after they turn 45 or so.

Sure, we see a few as needed for the main story. The parent of the lead. The grandparent of the lead’s kids. A judge, a doctor, maybe — although today, for the most part, you see lawyers and doctors on shows and in movies who are in their mid-20’s to mid 30’s.

Oh, sure, there is the occasional uptight matron, or kooky neighbor or unmarried aunt. Or maybe a ball-busting woman playing a politician or high-ranking military officer.

But usually, we stop seeing any stories of people over 45 until they become grumpy old men or grandma’s on rampage.

In advertising, there is a gap between women and men aged 45 until over 65 or so. We see parents until their kids go off to college, and then “bam”! Nothing until it is time for dentures and Depends.

There’s just this big gap. And in that gap would be those of us between the ages of 45 and 65.

So my theory is that because youth grow up literally not seeing people ages 45 to 65 reflected back to them on TV and in magazines and films, they simply do not see us.

We are invisible to them.

I want this to change. I want to be a part of this change.

I am doing what I can by finding people who are brave enough to write stories that contain middle-aged and older people in central roles and stories and doing all I can to get cast in their pieces or support their work however I can by donating or watching or simply giving them a “Way to go!”

And I am writing my own stories that will reflect that population and am working to produce them.

I can go and support films of the people who have already done this. I can watch shows such as “Grace and Frankie” on Netflix who are featuring stories of people in their 70’s to support the efforts being made to get people over 45 into meaningful stories.

I do not yet know how else, but I know that I will be a part of this change.

It will be a sea change, for sure. But a change is a’coming, if I have my way.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: invisible

Twin Heart

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 1 Comment

you’re still here, in my heartbeat

I breathe, and I wonder

is there breath where you are

when I sleep, I look for you

long to look in your eyes

my sister, my selfsame

my identical heart

Inspired by The Daily Post: identical

Culinary Delights

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Your hands

I see them first

Long, tapered fingers

So sure, so sensuous

Your fingers holding the tuna

As you slice through it

My first thoughts

Make me blush

I want to be that food

I want to be touched

The way you touch it

I want you to slice me open

Arrange me

Take me into your mouth

Become one in your body

Inspired by The Daily Post: blush

History Matters

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 7 Comments

When I was in high school, I had a very aggravating world history teacher.

He used to do this very annoying thing: whenever a female asked him a question, he would usually say something like this*:

“Patience is a virtue, rarely found in men and never in little girls named fill-in-the-blank with the question-asker’s name.”

*Full disclosure: it has been many years since high school and I cannot recall his exact wording. Also, memory is a finicky thing, and as I recall, he only did this aggravating thing to young women, but I suppose in all fairness he could have said it to the young men. But to the best of my knowledge, he only said it to young women.

He used this phrase alongside many other subtle and not-so-subtle words and actions that made us young women feel like he was a male chauvinist pig, which in my day was a phrase bandied about by some women towards men like my teacher which is how we would have known of it.

We all felt it. He actually pitted the males against the women and listed our test scores prominently on the chalkboard each week: the males first, and then the women. The men usually got the highest grades, which he loved to gloat about. They were always listed on top.

Boy, did that burn us women up. The competition made us all work harder than we might have. We longed to knock the chip off his shoulder.

I remember when one of us finally earned the highest score. We couldn’t wait to find her name at the top of the list!

But he acted disgusted and refused to move her name to the top of his list, which we thought was grossly unfair.

I have thought of him over the years since, never with good feelings. His actions might seem innocuous, but we young women had enough societal images and messages coming at us telling us that our intellect was insignificant and unnecessary. We did not need to have it hammered into us by our teacher.

I happened to Google the words that I recall him always saying, and I found the following quote. While I found a source or two attributed to it, I was not satisfied that those sources were the actual creators of the saying.

“Patience is a virtue,                     Possess it if you can,                     Seldom found in woman,                     Never found in man.”

I find it interesting that my teacher had been so drawn to it that it became a staple in his tools for the classroom. I wonder how he came to find it…it clearly made a deep and lasting impression on him.

Someone choosing to commit their life to teach high school seniors is certainly someone of interest to me. And he was extremely passionate about world history and committed to our education. We all probably worked harder in his class than any other. Maybe he deserves credit for that. He certainly made a lasting impression on me.

Did he prepare us young women for the “real world” or did he merely deepen a dynamic that we’d already had jammed down our throats that we’d soon find further evidence of in college and beyond?

I like to think that a teacher today would never be able to get away with what he did so boldly.

I do wish that he had not been so sexist. His teaching could have been so much more powerful.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: patience

Eggsistential Musings

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 4 Comments

Does a chick know that they’ve hatched

Or do they still feel like they did when they were in the egg

Just in a different environment?

There’s always this feeling that I am incubating

Still developing, still growing

I wonder if I will ever feel fully hatched

Inspired by the Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: incubate

A Wrinkle in Mine

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 5 Comments

I recently got sent to a casting that actually welcomed wrinkles.

(Full disclosure: I am still not sure how I feel about being invited to attend the casting!)

Here is the actual wording of the casting notice:

These men and women are portraying people who were leftover hippies in their youth. They were drug users back in the day; this is how they contracted Hepatitis C. Bright Eyes are important. Somewhat weathered faces would be beautiful.

Now, there are some pretty “out there” notices that come across one’s computer. I have seen some real doozies. The wording used for many women’s roles can be pretty atrocious. (Also, those dealing with race and skin tone.) There is actually a blog that collects such notices, to “out” the people writing such sexist descriptions called Casting Call Woe.

This issue has gotten some press over the last few years, and there has been a commitment by some in the industry to do better. Rachel Bloom took a poke at this with a hilarious-in-a-sad-but-true kind of way in a well-publicized tweet in 2016.

I think the above notice handled things pretty gracefully, I think. It is unusual for “weathered” and “beautiful” to be in the same sentence in the advertising world. Knowing the casting director for that job, I am not surprised that the notice was so sensitive. If only they all were.

I have come along way in choosing to move through the remainder of my time on this planet with dignity, passion, grace and creativity. I am committed to being a part of changing the way our society views aging and older people.

And yet, I get called in for such a casting, and I admit it: I am relieved that I was not cast.

Sigh. I guess I have more work to do around this issue.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: wrinkle

Stream of Consciousness

Aside ~ ~ Beyond the Skinny Branches ~ 4 Comments

You provoke

I provoke

Push and pull

Until someone breaks

Who’s at the helm

Who’s fighting whom

Is it your ancestor or mine

Vying for survival

Where does our love go

When our history floods through

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: provoke