I set my heart on fire
I burned it to the ground
To purify what once had been
To clear away the dark that bound
From the ashes I salvaged what of me remained
Underneath the soot and embers
I bathed her in a warm milk bath
Sang a song only my heart remembers
“Oh, it’s my pleasure, absolutely,” she said with a tinny, manufactured brightness as she cleared away the strangely-soiled sheets from the bathroom floor while a portly couple in hotel bathrobes sat at the table on the terrace, eating what looked to have been a whole roast chicken, making sounds that made her uncomfortable as she worked.
As soon as she could, she got herself out of the room, cursing for the umpteenth time having to do this job.
Once on the other side of the door, she sighed with relief, looking forward to the end of her shift and the bottle of wine awaiting her at home.
So I’m a tourist in my own life, am I?
OK, so let’s go with that.
A) It’s better than no trip at all.
And 2) Mind your own beeswax.
Dear Mom & Dad:
Things are great at Commedia Camp so far. Just wanted you to see what I’ve been up to.
Love,
Your Daughter, Margaret Anne
It is easy to live life unconsciously hurting yourself in ways that seem subtle, but add up.
These are the small and large ways I deprive myself daily:
I do not drink enough water
I wait until my towels and sheets are seriously past their prime before getting new ones
I hurl myself through experiences sometimes with little attention to the scared parts of me that are there being hurled too
I push myself to seem happier than I feel so as not to bum others out
I push away my anger, hearing my father’s voice: “No one loves an angry girl.”
I skip over little hurts (but they still hurt,) sending the message that they don’t count (but they do)
I don’t take the time to cheer myself for all that I am doing right
I hold off going to pee until it is the last minute
How are you depriving yourself in little and large ways?
Acknowledge that, turn each thing around on itself by identifying the opposite action, and voila! You have a beautiful self-care list!
There is such a thing as sitting on the fence too long
If you wait too long to make a choice to go to one side or the other
You might lose the impetus to move altogether
The impulse that got you up on the fence in the first place
Might die a quiet but painful little death
At the very least
You risk getting splinters in your bottom
I don’t believe in prophecy
That the Divine chooses certain people over others
I believe we are all divine
And carry within us a higher self who knows the way
I don’t worship kings or popes or leaders who rule through fear
I believe together we will find our way through
To the Light
I’m in awe of you
Of your courage
The capacity of your heart to forgive
Your continual willingness to try no matter what
Your full-hearted commitment to living your truth
Your love of life that always manages to overcome your darkness
Your never- ending spirit in the face of despair
I am in awe of you
You are my hero
How I would love to empty out my mind
Of all that I have learned, all that I know
To be clean and clear, an open slate
Wonder would woosh in on angel’s wings
Excitement and joy, contentment and unselfconsciousness
Childlike, open, ready to live fully
In my body, and out of my mind
A hunger, an appetite
For more of what, I do not know
Resides inside me all the time
Tells me how to feel, where to go
Will fight hard to get what’s mine
Begrudges others getting theirs
I try to feed it, it just wants more
It doesn’t trust that I am there
And so I love her anyway, since, after all, she’s mine
I try to guide her, try to soothe her
I accept her enormous need
I take her hand and sing her songs
And hope that one day, she’ll be freed
Beyond the Skinny Branches 